On Friday night, I got eight consecutive hours of sleep. It’s been a long time since that last happened—months and possibly longer. I woke up feeling great. The stressors I’ve had stemming from Covid-19 related fallout and a bunch of other things were washed away immediately. I was full of energy and had an incredible weekend with my family. All from just one night of great sleep.
I have two wonderful sons. I love everything about them. The problem is, they’re both terrible sleepers. That fact, combined with some conscious choices my wife and I make about how to parent, means that we have been experiencing sustained sleep deprivation for nearly four years. I’ve probably slept as well as I did on Friday no more than a dozen times since my oldest was born in 2016.
The impacts of my lack of sleep are piling up. I’m exhausted. It took just one night to wake me up to the reality of how badly I need to get better sleep (see what I did there?). Now I wonder: is much of my stress reducible to this one problem of not getting enough sleep? Maybe so.
According to Matthew Walker, Director of the Center for Human Sleep Science at UC-Berkeley, in his 2017 book Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams, a consistent neglect of sleep has negative impacts on a range of critical human functions, including: creativity, problem solving, decision-making, learning, memory, health (heart, brain, mental), emotional well-being, immune system, and life span. That all rings true. I’m generally less effective than I used to be. Too often, my emotions are out of whack.
The Covid-19 pandemic sent all of this into overdrive. Everyone has their own version of crap to deal with right now. Ours was being forced into a hasty international move. And it sucked. We planned a return to California this summer after spending four fantastic years in London. The plan was for an extended, celebratory exit from a place we hold dear. It’s where Suzy and I lived together the longest and where our sons were born. It will always feel like home. We made many wonderful friends and had the opportunity of a lifetime to live in what I believe is the greatest city in the world.
And in the blink of an eye, it was over. As the exponential spread of Covid-19 started to overwhelm many critical systems, it became clear that we had to make a choice: either leave immediately or be stuck in London for months. Being stuck would jeopardize a career move for Suzy. It also meant being holed-up in a densely populated city with two young kids indefinitely. California meant an escape and forward movement. So, in 48 hours, we packed our bags, took the kids and our dog to Heathrow, left the rest of our belongings behind, and jumped on what we were told at the airport was the final United flight to SFO. Since London was on lockdown by then, we said goodbye to no one. We were gone, just like that. It was painful. Not just for us, but for others we care about.
Instead of recognizing this as the traumatic event it was, and taking a break to focus on my family, I dove straight into work. That was a mistake. People everywhere are dealing with immense pressure and change, which makes work and life intense for everyone. We are all dealing with weird emotions and new life conditions. Our personal lives are on computer displays for all to see. We’re in control of very little and that is unsettling. We’re trapped. At any moment a colleague could break down, snap at you, check out, or say something brilliant. As a general rule, it’s best to assume that everyone is having a mini-crisis right now. Any subpar behavior should be forgiven. Be gentle.
Putting it all together, I’m exhausted. It’s affected my health, happiness, relationships, and performance on more than one front. It’s amazing what a solid night of sleep can reveal. I woke up Saturday feeling like a whole new person. Many worries suddenly seemed small and manageable. In addition to laying the foundation for an enjoyable weekend, it was a big wake up call (see what I did again? 😀).
I can’t and won’t let sleep take a back seat anymore. It must become as big of a priority as anything else in my life because it literally affects everything. And so that’s what I’m going to do. To friends and colleagues who haven’t seen the best of me in the last few years, that’s an oath to you; and also to my family, who relies on me, and to myself, who deserves to feel rested.
Finally, to anyone else reading this who might be struggling on one or more fronts right now, see what getting more sleep can do. If you’re tired, sleep. Sleep until you’re not tired anymore. Everything else will still be there waiting for you. It can wait. Take care.
My son Teddy, just days old